Zombieland - A Microreview

Some thoughts on Zombieland. Overall, it was a fun little flick, but I don't feel like being verbose this evening, so here's the bullets.

• There is someone in this movie who you don't know is in this movie, and if you did know that this person was in the movie, you would have seen it the first showing on opening night. I won't spoil it for you, but if you put this person in a movie with Burt Reynolds, you would seriously have the two greatest actors of this, or any, generation in the same movie. Quite frankly, the fact that this person is in this movie means I have to give it a perfect review score regardless of the content of the movie or the individual in questions performance. Seriously, see this movie to see this person.
• I don't know how many times I have to get into this debate, but zombies don't run. They don't. I know you kids with your fancy new "zombie movies" think that anything that eats human flesh and is dead counts as a zombie, but it doesn't, and the fact that you are arguing this with me is filling me with rage. Zombies lumber. In fact, as far as I or any other connoisseur of the genre is concerned, zombie films should have stopped with the original George Romero Dawn of the Dead. Now those were zombies that lumbered.
• I'm going to be serious for one paragraph. I feel that movie theaters should issue customers a stun gun when they buy their ticket, and we should be allowed to stun any patrons that piss us off during a movie. This stun gun should have only two charges to keep things from getting out of hand. I love film (not that movies are shown on film anymore) and I used to love going to the theater, but the collective mannerisms of society have depleted to the point that I feel I get a better experience watching a cam copy of a movie on a black and white 13 inch movie while a TNA wrestler kicks me repeatedly in the testicles. How are any of us supposed to actually like going to the movies when we are constantly bombarded with the jerkhats who actually take phone calls and then speak loudly in some Eastern European dialect, overweight women who laugh maniacally at inappropriate points, the general chatter of a hundred people who feel that dramatic scenes are boring and thus they should use that opportunity to talk to their loved ones, cell phones ringing, people checking there email on their iPhones...I take that back...we need more than two charges....