Interns...what'cha really want.

In these trying economic times, organizations might be inclined to cut-back on the less-experienced members of their workforce. In particular, interns might seem like a good area for cost-savings. The purpose if this post is to give you an idea of some of the added value you can get from having interns above and beyond the day-to-day traditional responsibilities.

• Arrange desks to form a “pit” from which no intern can escape. Place a crisp ten dollar bill in the middle of the “pit”, along with two blunt weapons of combat.
• Have interns farm WOW gold for you at night. The cost-savings of keeping senior staff from doing this during the day can be monumental.
• Do you read this blog? Which seems more realistic to you, that I actually sit down and think of these posts or that I have an army of interns write this amazing content each day?
• As strange as it may sound, we don’t actually keep a traditional battering ram at the office to deal with the times that someone locks themselves out of their offices. Sure, we could go ask for a copy of the key, I guess, or we could grab four strong guys and an intern.
• Sometimes the copy machine breaks, or it is really far away. During these times, I ask the interns to handwrite 50 copies of a document using a quill and ink. I also typically have them create a fresh batch of vellum for each copy.
• Fire interns unless they start tax-exempt charities with which to funnel fake employee donations to reduce tax liability, then call the IRS to inform them of what they are doing.
• Not everyone knows this, but we perform blood test before hiring our interns to ensure they provide suitable donor matches in the event we need organs. I’ve already taken a liver and two kidneys from Skittles.
• Hate meetings? We don’t, because we send interns as proxys. When we were our former company, the board of directors literally hadn’t seen each other in six years because everyone kept sending intern proxies. You can then fire the interns when the company goes bankrupt and thus save the golden parachute for the people who truly deserve it.
• Speaking of proxys, we also send interns as proxy dates to all romantic comedies with our significant others. Skittles, for instance, went to go see “The Proposal” with Katie while I sat in another theater enjoying “The Hangover.” The intern will then be forced to go have coffee with our loved ones and talk about “feelings” for several hours, and we sweep back in at the end of the night, getting full credit for being the perfect man.
• Interns taste all of our food before we eat it on the off-chance it is poisoned. We also introduce some poison in the bites they taste to ensure none of them are cheating and not eating the food they are supposed to.