An H1N1 guide for employees

I've spent most of my weekend researching this thing they call "H1N1", which is the re-branded "swine flu" in what may be the worst name change in the history of advertising. Swine flu sounds menacing, and dirty, as the name implies, while H1N1 sounds more like some sort of a tax credit I might be interested in pursuing. If Washington wants to figure out why people seem less concerned about getting the vaccine than they'd like, I'd recommend they talk to the guy who thought the name change was a good idea. Call it the "Black Death" and watch people run to their doctor, hundred dollar bills in hands.

That said, while the media hype might be a little extreme, there are definitely some good ideas of ways to keep yourself healthy with this "black death" floating around (see how that worked). I went to the CDC website and captured the highlights from "caring for those with H1N1" and re-pasted them here for people to review.

• Stay home. A good rule of thumb is that if you so much as think that your temperature might not be _exactly_ 98.6 degrees, you are probably about to die of H1N1.
• But how long should I stay home? Well, it has been shown that it is "safe" to return to work 24 hours "after a fever has subsided." My own research shows that "subsided" means "no longer been present for at least 10 days." Go ahead and do one of those Sesame Street gags where they slowly put two segments of a word together and you'll get the joke.
• There are only four approved movies on the "caring for those with H1N1" list; Iron Eagle, Red Dawn, Point Break and Escape from Los Angeles. Ensure that these films are all on repeat at all times.
• Playing WOW is not advised, since you will most likely be left out of your 10 man hard mode attempt because some other freakin' warlock does like 10 more dps than you, even though he will most likely step in the red/blue/green slime EVERY single time and cause the healers way more stress than you ever would. (This may be a little off topic).
  
• The sick person should, under no circumstances, ever be required to leave the couch. You shouldn't need to ask them what they want, it is vital that you anticipate what they may want. Is it getting to be lunch time? If so, go to the sick person's favorite restaurants and order all the food that they may like from each of them so they have a selection to pick from.
• Speaking of food, the CDC notes the following items as the only approved food for those with swine flu; Things that are fried and contain pork, food in sandwich form, alcoholic or highly caffeinated beverages, and food that consists of three or more foods integrated into one...a beer-battered pork sandwich seems to be the safest bet to fulfilling all the requirements. I know this may seem unhealthy, but this is what the scientists at the CDC say, and who are we to argue with science?
• While the person is sick, please use this as an opportunity to take care of whatever stresses you may think they have in their lives. Stress has been shown to slow the healing process, so while you are caring with a person with H1N1, you should make a list of whatever may be bothering the sick person and take care of those things. Pay the taxes of this person. Do they have tests coming up for school or a big project at work? Finish it for them. Pay off their car/home mortgages. Do whatever it takes. Their life could depend upon it.
• Anyone who gets H1N1 is probably going to die, so go ahead and start on their legacy. At the first sign of a cough, you should make sure their living will is ready and that their affairs are in order. Ask them to pick out their favorite cemetery if they haven't already, because they will most likely be there in a matter of hours.