Parliamentary rules on a tech team...

Video-Game Tech-Team-Motion-1329
Rules of Debate: None
Motion Moved to the floor for vote: March 16, 2010
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* Anyone who breaks the build owes the author of the Jabroni Report $1000.00 for each occurrence.
* If any intern refuses to fill the coffee pot with water, The Jabroni Report may assign a senior engineer to get said water.
* All design decisions now require final approval from the Jabroni Report.
* We will share technology across all studios. The game teams will be required to pull these updates. Technology that will be shared includes a traffic system, a pedestrian system, an audio system, and a streaming system. None of these systems will work, but there will be mandatory merges.
* The Jabroni Report team will no longer be required to wear pants to the office. All team members must wear two pairs of pants (not including shorts) to compensate.
* Lunch times for all team members (not including production) is limited to 8 minutes per day.

Result of vote on Video-Game Tech-Team-Motion-1329:
Aye: 1
Nay: 17

Video-Game Tech-Team-Motion-1330
Rules of Debate: The tech team deems motion 1329 to have passed.
Motion Moved to the floor for vote: March 17, 2010
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* All tech team members will receive a $100 cash bonus every time they break the build.
* Interns may, to retain their dignity, refuse to get water without repercussion.
* Lunch times for all team members will be increased 50% over the official lunch time allotment as laid out in the video-game-tech-team rules and regulations.
* Tech sharing will never, ever include a mandatory physics system.
* Team members are allowed to wear shorts to the office!

Result of vote on Video-Game Tech-Team-Motion-1330:
Aye: 18
Nay: 0

I could get used to this...

In which I begin sending invitations

While browsing wedding invitations this evening, I came across a lot of designs that while horrible for a wedding, would be perfect for other occasions. As such, I'm planning to spend thousands of dollars to ensure that I have a collection of invitations for all possible events. From now on, any event wherein I will need other people to attend will solely be coordinated through invitations. Some examples are below:

Let's say I need an impromptu meeting in ten minutes with some programmers and a couple of artists. I will have interns deliver my "Please Attend An Impromptu Meeting" invitations. Those who will attend, will need to respond withing 5 minutes via RSVP, and send the enclosed "thank you for the meeting" card after attending.


Below are my new "You are cordially invited to lunch with Adam" invitations. These will be sent to the lucky few who I will attend lunch with each day. The enclosed invitation will list the restaurant and provide directions to "Taco Shack" or "Burger King."


The following "Request For A Sick Day" invitations will be sent to the production staff as well as H.R. on a morning when I am feeling ill. The enclosed card will contain a link to my "sick day registry", where concerned co-workers may purchase things such as video games and electronics to make me feel better.

The sad part of this whole blog, of course, is that I'm only half kidding. I am seriously considering holding a dinner party with two guests where absurdly fancy invitations are sent out, or inviting the team to go see a movie with me where they must RSVP via an enclosed card.

Important aside: NONE of the above designs are under actual consideration, as they are atrocious. I just grabbed three random images.

Get well Burt...

http://www.seattlepi.com/tvguide/416168_tvgif3.html

I'm not one who tends to care one way or another regarding celebrity health, but the fact of the matter is that the Jabroni Report staff felt it was necessary to break tradition to call out a true American hero...Burt Reynolds. As most of you who attended tonight's six hour Jabroni Report candle-light vigil service know, Burt, along with Sean Connery, represent a dying breed of humans in this country called "men." Burt, or as I like to call him, Burt, has the hairy chest and iconic "manstache" that defines what it is to be a red-blooded man of the world. When Burt finally leaves us, our masculine role models will instantly shift to Leonorda DiCaprio and Ashton Kutcher, who are one step up on the masculinity scale from Paris Hilton and Blake Lively.* Get well, Burt.

* Aside: I literally have no idea who Blake Lively is. This is a name I've somehow absorbed into my psyche through cultural osmosis.

On which we will begin using a new phrase...

While catching up on my evening "stories" (news), I came to a life-changing decision. Starting tomorrow, I will be referring to people periodically as "old sport." This classic English phrase popularized in Gatsby doesn't really seem to have taken hold in the 21st century, which makes it all the more ripe for reintroduction.

I do this from time to time...

Those of you who remember such classics as "like a fox" or "everything is coming up Millhouse" will note that it works to great effect. Basically, if one uses something enough, _everyone_ will start using it. I reference the recent trend of liberally overusing the word "literally" that took our office by storm. People, myself included, began using "literally" in literally the exact wrong usage. Often you'd hear things such as "If that happens again I will literally explode" or "I literally ate my weight in pork during lunch."

See you soon, Old Sport.

What a Game Producer Does, Part 1

When a new employee starts at a video game company, the following tend to be the first three questions they ask:

* Where is the coffee machine?
* Where is the bathroom?
* What exactly is it that a Producer does?

It seems to be a rather time-honored running joke that no one really knows what Producers "do." Sure, everyone interacts with them, and everyone seems to like having them around, but due to a number of factors, there tends to be industry-wide confusion over the specific things a producer does and is responsible for. Part of the problem is that each company and team uses them in slightly different ways, part of the problem is that they spend so much time in meetings that they are often gone for huge chunks of time, and part of the problem is simply a lack of evangalism on behalf of the discipline. As such, I am going to "pull back the curtain" of my schedule to give you some true insight into what it is that a producer does during the day.

9-10am: Producer's Lounge. You know the "company lounge" with the vending machines, the rotating snack machine and the various arcade cabinets that people play for three minutes and then never touch again? Well, every morning, after we have security ensure that no one is within sight, we enter the code "020611" (Reagan's Birthday) into the soda machine. The machine then swings back to allow entrance into the modest Producer's Lounge. After giving the 24/7 bouncer the secret handshake, Producer's are ushered into the industry-standard 11,000 square foot lounge. The 17th century furniture, Ivory encrusted knick-knacks and the golden go-kart course allow all Producer's a chance to unwind to prepare for the difficult day ahead. At 9:59 all Producers take a $400 shot of Cognac and head off on their way.

10-11am: Scheduling Meeting. One of the key duties of a Producer is to maintain the schedule for the game. Of course, not everyone knows how we generate such an amazing schedule that never needs adjustments. Today, dear readers, I will explain. A bad producer schedules a task based upon the time available or the time they "think" something should take. A naive producer talks to the person doing the task, and then uses that number. The number received from the person will be "2 weeks", no matter what the task is. A mediocre producer has a "standard" multiple in their head they apply to the estimate to "pad" the numbers. An "OK" producer uses per-person experience as well as their own knowledge to try and come up with a realistic timeline. A great Producer, however, has risen to the ranks of "Level 11 Produceran" and thus is handed "The Secret." I may get in trouble with my Brotheren, but today I shall share "The Secret." All tasks, regardless of complexity, take 48 hours. Adding a button to an editor? Schedule 48 hours. Writing a renderer from scratch? Go ahead and pencil in 48 hours. Creating a vibrant, open-world city? Cool...I'll see you in 48 hours.

11-12am: Compensation Committee Meeting. This is the hardest part of the day. Here we have to balance our desire to reward an incredible, hard-working and talented team with our desire to not actually pay anyone any money, thus keeping the vast treasure trove of the budget open for our own compensation. This is a painful, time-consuming task. First, we take a look at the budget available for compensation, and set aside a modest 70% for production staff. We then go through the annual review paperwork people spent days filling out, and use it as blank paper to play tic-tac-toe on. After we've used-up all the "scratch paper", we shred it and then set aside another 20% of the budget for Production. We then semi-arbitrarily assign salaries based upon the following criteria:

* Has the person in question ever done anything whatsoever to upset Production? If so, 50% of their compensation is set aside for Production.
* Has the person in question ever done anything whatsoever to make Production happy? If so, 50% of their compensation is set aside for Production.

Once we have the final numbers generated, we then cut everyone's final compensation by 20% and set that aside for production.

12-1pm: Lunch. Nothing fancy, just standard lunch with the team. Something delicious but cost-effective, like Hot Dougs or Cemitas! This is a great chance to unwind, to bond, and to catch up and subsequently ignore any issues that people have been having during the day.

1-3pm: The real lunch. After we get back from lunch, all the Producers head off to the "real lunch" at one of four pre-approved four star restaurants. We dine on organ meats cooked in the fat of extinct animals on plates fished up from the Lucitania, wearing the standard "Production Lunch Uniform" consisting of the robes of the Romanovs, socks made from Unicorn horns and no pants.

Coming up next...we focus on "Post-Lunch" duties. This series is dedicated to "Jon", because he felt that the Jabroni Report had gone off-the-rails with lame WOW news.

On helping with C++ homework via wow...

Tonight, largely because the good programmers in my guild (and here at work) were all in a raid, I got to help a former guild mate with his C++ homework.

It turned out to be fairly simple

• "Do/While" syntax was wrong...he was using a"(" and a ")" instead of a "{" and a "}"
• The compiler gets confused when you define a variable as "num1" and then try using it as "num 1"
• Couple misc logic issues.

That said, debugging code without a compiler in a text chat window limited to 255 characters with no formatting gives it a little extra spice that makes it all worth while.

Aside: I think this post could have been better accomplished via Twitter.
ToDo: Get Twitter account.

Intern Proposed Game Design for "Intern Wars"

As part of my continued effort to utilize our interns as slave labor to create content for the Jabroni Report, I present the second article in the "Intern Series", in which I give the interns a homework assignment to generate content for the blog.

This week's assignment was to write up a brief proposal for a video game called "intern wars." This was the only direction they had, and I'm pretty thrilled with the response I got.

Quick Aside Before You Begin: I only received responses from 2/4 interns. You'd think, as an intern, that your "end goal" in life would to be considered for a full-time position, no? I'm not saying these exercises are mandatory, or anything, but they are mandatory.

T-Bone's Concept For Intern Wars:

My ideal “Intern Wars” game is mashup of Joust and Robotron, where every player controls a little intern character. The player can run, jump, and most importantly, latch on to other interns. This game is best with four or more players.

When an intern jumps on top of another one and presses a button, the intern on top becomes a rider of the intern on bottom. In this form (attack form), the player that was controlling the bottom intern can now control the movement of the two characters, whereas the top character can aim and shoot water at other interns. At any time, either player can press a button to ‘unlatch’. It is important to note that ‘attack form’ is the only way to attack other characters.

The shootable water is replenished by picking up water pails that will spawn around the screen. Water can only be acquired when not in ‘attack form’ with another character.

The aim of the game is to soak your fellow interns by forming and breaking alliances. Once an intern is hit with enough water, he is ‘fired’. If interns are hit with water in ‘attack form’, they are split apart.

At random points in the game, an UNDEFEATABLE? ‘supervisor’ character runs on screen, chasing after the closest intern with a pink slip. If the supervisor manages to come in contact with an intern, that intern is fired.

Once only two interns remain, the game goes into sudden death mode, where ‘attack form’ is no longer allowed. At this point, interns who were fired can ‘go postal’ by throwing water balloons from outside of the arena at either of the two interns left. Once an intern is hit, the game is over, and the other intern has won.

Tony's Concept For Intern Wars:

My vision of "Intern Wars" would be a party game with a bunch of mini games. 3 players would be interns and the forth would be the boss. This would be primarily a 4 player multiplayer game that should be played with all players in the same room, but the game could be played over the internet.

To start the game, a boss will be randomly selected of the four individuals playing. Each player will create a unique avatar to represent themselves. The boss will then give each of the interns a creative and funny nickname that represents the avatar.

Some of the mini games I have thought of so far are:

Race to see how fast you can fill the water for the coffee machine

Each intern would have their own viewport and copy of the course for this game. The game would consist of an obstacle course where each intern has a container. The interns must go to the water cooler, fill their container and travel back to the bosses office with the water. Water will spill out for making fast turns and tripping over obstacles. While the interns are gathering water, the boss can add obstacles to an individual's obstacle course. The intern that fills the water machine the fastest wins this game.

Who can break the build the fewest number of times

This would be a button sequence and memory game. The boss will click a series buttons, the interns must repeat the buttons clicked. The intern with the longest complete memory series wins this game.

The scooter races around our building

Interns have to race against each other around the building on a scooter. The players can hit one another and the boss can throw obstacles and power ups on the course. The player to complete the race first wins this game.

Prank the bosses office

I believe this mini game would be similar to pac-man vs. The Interns would have to coordinate to sneak into the boss's office while the boss is off checking up on the other interns. The interns collectively will gain points if they successfully prank the boss's office, but will take a penalty for each time they are caught.

The intern with the highest score at the end of the game will be hired as fulltime employee. If the players choose to play again, the winner of the previous game will become the boss of the next.