What a Game Producer Does, Part 1

When a new employee starts at a video game company, the following tend to be the first three questions they ask:

* Where is the coffee machine?
* Where is the bathroom?
* What exactly is it that a Producer does?

It seems to be a rather time-honored running joke that no one really knows what Producers "do." Sure, everyone interacts with them, and everyone seems to like having them around, but due to a number of factors, there tends to be industry-wide confusion over the specific things a producer does and is responsible for. Part of the problem is that each company and team uses them in slightly different ways, part of the problem is that they spend so much time in meetings that they are often gone for huge chunks of time, and part of the problem is simply a lack of evangalism on behalf of the discipline. As such, I am going to "pull back the curtain" of my schedule to give you some true insight into what it is that a producer does during the day.

9-10am: Producer's Lounge. You know the "company lounge" with the vending machines, the rotating snack machine and the various arcade cabinets that people play for three minutes and then never touch again? Well, every morning, after we have security ensure that no one is within sight, we enter the code "020611" (Reagan's Birthday) into the soda machine. The machine then swings back to allow entrance into the modest Producer's Lounge. After giving the 24/7 bouncer the secret handshake, Producer's are ushered into the industry-standard 11,000 square foot lounge. The 17th century furniture, Ivory encrusted knick-knacks and the golden go-kart course allow all Producer's a chance to unwind to prepare for the difficult day ahead. At 9:59 all Producers take a $400 shot of Cognac and head off on their way.

10-11am: Scheduling Meeting. One of the key duties of a Producer is to maintain the schedule for the game. Of course, not everyone knows how we generate such an amazing schedule that never needs adjustments. Today, dear readers, I will explain. A bad producer schedules a task based upon the time available or the time they "think" something should take. A naive producer talks to the person doing the task, and then uses that number. The number received from the person will be "2 weeks", no matter what the task is. A mediocre producer has a "standard" multiple in their head they apply to the estimate to "pad" the numbers. An "OK" producer uses per-person experience as well as their own knowledge to try and come up with a realistic timeline. A great Producer, however, has risen to the ranks of "Level 11 Produceran" and thus is handed "The Secret." I may get in trouble with my Brotheren, but today I shall share "The Secret." All tasks, regardless of complexity, take 48 hours. Adding a button to an editor? Schedule 48 hours. Writing a renderer from scratch? Go ahead and pencil in 48 hours. Creating a vibrant, open-world city? Cool...I'll see you in 48 hours.

11-12am: Compensation Committee Meeting. This is the hardest part of the day. Here we have to balance our desire to reward an incredible, hard-working and talented team with our desire to not actually pay anyone any money, thus keeping the vast treasure trove of the budget open for our own compensation. This is a painful, time-consuming task. First, we take a look at the budget available for compensation, and set aside a modest 70% for production staff. We then go through the annual review paperwork people spent days filling out, and use it as blank paper to play tic-tac-toe on. After we've used-up all the "scratch paper", we shred it and then set aside another 20% of the budget for Production. We then semi-arbitrarily assign salaries based upon the following criteria:

* Has the person in question ever done anything whatsoever to upset Production? If so, 50% of their compensation is set aside for Production.
* Has the person in question ever done anything whatsoever to make Production happy? If so, 50% of their compensation is set aside for Production.

Once we have the final numbers generated, we then cut everyone's final compensation by 20% and set that aside for production.

12-1pm: Lunch. Nothing fancy, just standard lunch with the team. Something delicious but cost-effective, like Hot Dougs or Cemitas! This is a great chance to unwind, to bond, and to catch up and subsequently ignore any issues that people have been having during the day.

1-3pm: The real lunch. After we get back from lunch, all the Producers head off to the "real lunch" at one of four pre-approved four star restaurants. We dine on organ meats cooked in the fat of extinct animals on plates fished up from the Lucitania, wearing the standard "Production Lunch Uniform" consisting of the robes of the Romanovs, socks made from Unicorn horns and no pants.

Coming up next...we focus on "Post-Lunch" duties. This series is dedicated to "Jon", because he felt that the Jabroni Report had gone off-the-rails with lame WOW news.