An H1N1 guide for employees

I've spent most of my weekend researching this thing they call "H1N1", which is the re-branded "swine flu" in what may be the worst name change in the history of advertising. Swine flu sounds menacing, and dirty, as the name implies, while H1N1 sounds more like some sort of a tax credit I might be interested in pursuing. If Washington wants to figure out why people seem less concerned about getting the vaccine than they'd like, I'd recommend they talk to the guy who thought the name change was a good idea. Call it the "Black Death" and watch people run to their doctor, hundred dollar bills in hands.

That said, while the media hype might be a little extreme, there are definitely some good ideas of ways to keep yourself healthy with this "black death" floating around (see how that worked). I went to the CDC website and captured the highlights from "caring for those with H1N1" and re-pasted them here for people to review.

• Stay home. A good rule of thumb is that if you so much as think that your temperature might not be _exactly_ 98.6 degrees, you are probably about to die of H1N1.
• But how long should I stay home? Well, it has been shown that it is "safe" to return to work 24 hours "after a fever has subsided." My own research shows that "subsided" means "no longer been present for at least 10 days." Go ahead and do one of those Sesame Street gags where they slowly put two segments of a word together and you'll get the joke.
• There are only four approved movies on the "caring for those with H1N1" list; Iron Eagle, Red Dawn, Point Break and Escape from Los Angeles. Ensure that these films are all on repeat at all times.
• Playing WOW is not advised, since you will most likely be left out of your 10 man hard mode attempt because some other freakin' warlock does like 10 more dps than you, even though he will most likely step in the red/blue/green slime EVERY single time and cause the healers way more stress than you ever would. (This may be a little off topic).
  
• The sick person should, under no circumstances, ever be required to leave the couch. You shouldn't need to ask them what they want, it is vital that you anticipate what they may want. Is it getting to be lunch time? If so, go to the sick person's favorite restaurants and order all the food that they may like from each of them so they have a selection to pick from.
• Speaking of food, the CDC notes the following items as the only approved food for those with swine flu; Things that are fried and contain pork, food in sandwich form, alcoholic or highly caffeinated beverages, and food that consists of three or more foods integrated into one...a beer-battered pork sandwich seems to be the safest bet to fulfilling all the requirements. I know this may seem unhealthy, but this is what the scientists at the CDC say, and who are we to argue with science?
• While the person is sick, please use this as an opportunity to take care of whatever stresses you may think they have in their lives. Stress has been shown to slow the healing process, so while you are caring with a person with H1N1, you should make a list of whatever may be bothering the sick person and take care of those things. Pay the taxes of this person. Do they have tests coming up for school or a big project at work? Finish it for them. Pay off their car/home mortgages. Do whatever it takes. Their life could depend upon it.
• Anyone who gets H1N1 is probably going to die, so go ahead and start on their legacy. At the first sign of a cough, you should make sure their living will is ready and that their affairs are in order. Ask them to pick out their favorite cemetery if they haven't already, because they will most likely be there in a matter of hours.
  

Interns...what'cha really want.

In these trying economic times, organizations might be inclined to cut-back on the less-experienced members of their workforce. In particular, interns might seem like a good area for cost-savings. The purpose if this post is to give you an idea of some of the added value you can get from having interns above and beyond the day-to-day traditional responsibilities.

• Arrange desks to form a “pit” from which no intern can escape. Place a crisp ten dollar bill in the middle of the “pit”, along with two blunt weapons of combat.
• Have interns farm WOW gold for you at night. The cost-savings of keeping senior staff from doing this during the day can be monumental.
• Do you read this blog? Which seems more realistic to you, that I actually sit down and think of these posts or that I have an army of interns write this amazing content each day?
• As strange as it may sound, we don’t actually keep a traditional battering ram at the office to deal with the times that someone locks themselves out of their offices. Sure, we could go ask for a copy of the key, I guess, or we could grab four strong guys and an intern.
• Sometimes the copy machine breaks, or it is really far away. During these times, I ask the interns to handwrite 50 copies of a document using a quill and ink. I also typically have them create a fresh batch of vellum for each copy.
• Fire interns unless they start tax-exempt charities with which to funnel fake employee donations to reduce tax liability, then call the IRS to inform them of what they are doing.
• Not everyone knows this, but we perform blood test before hiring our interns to ensure they provide suitable donor matches in the event we need organs. I’ve already taken a liver and two kidneys from Skittles.
• Hate meetings? We don’t, because we send interns as proxys. When we were our former company, the board of directors literally hadn’t seen each other in six years because everyone kept sending intern proxies. You can then fire the interns when the company goes bankrupt and thus save the golden parachute for the people who truly deserve it.
• Speaking of proxys, we also send interns as proxy dates to all romantic comedies with our significant others. Skittles, for instance, went to go see “The Proposal” with Katie while I sat in another theater enjoying “The Hangover.” The intern will then be forced to go have coffee with our loved ones and talk about “feelings” for several hours, and we sweep back in at the end of the night, getting full credit for being the perfect man.
• Interns taste all of our food before we eat it on the off-chance it is poisoned. We also introduce some poison in the bites they taste to ensure none of them are cheating and not eating the food they are supposed to.

+10 DKP to Chicago

My love for any given city is always directly proportional to the sandwiches available to the populace. Chicago was definitely growing in stature thanks to Mark's discovery of the Cemitas (see future blog), but the Sandwich truest to my heart, the sandwich of my childhood, belongs to Pittsburgh's Primanti Brothers:

http://www.primantibrothers.com/

It is a Pittsburgh staple...a sandwich piled with hot, grilled Capicola, melted provolone, seasoned (read: not mayo) cole slaw and french fries. I make trips to Pittsburgh for this sandwich (I really do).

Shaun then informs me that there is a virtual carbon-copy of this sandwich available at Luckys on Clark street. This sandwich turns out to be a mere three blocks from my house. THREE BLOCKS. I called Katie to inform her that this will be the only place we will be eating at for the remainder of our time in Chicago...no matter how many years we live here.

I will say that I need to have a talk with the proprieters to discuss their fries->slaw ratio, which should be 1 part to 3 and is instead reversed, but once that minor setback is resolved it will be a near perfect facscimile of the greatest sandwich ever made, and enough reason for my to press-on through the harsh Chicanadian winter that is coming.

The best card ever...

Those who know me know me as "a man who loves things with googly eyes." As such, you can imagine my glee over the following birthday card:

The $21 Sandwich

After discovering the existence of a $19 lobster club sandwich at Fox and Obel I've become a little obsessed with it. First, I love shell fish. Second, I love sandwiches. Third, I love overpriced things that I shouldn't have. As such, Katie allowed me to indulge my fantasy and eat this mythical creation.

Fox & Obel

Downtown Chicago has a little gourmet grocery store called "Fox and Obel." I love this place so much I had to put it on my birthday agenda. Pictures for your enjoyment (note, there is nothing funny in this post...deal with it).

"Boutique Drinks", my reason for living.

Dinosaurs and Pirates...

So, for my Birthday, I discovered that Chicago's Field Museum has exhibits on both Dinosaurs AND Pirates. I'm not kidding. Dinosaurs. Pirates. Same Museum. As such, we went to explore this perfect blending of two things that I've loved since before they were cool. I took a dinosaur class as a child, and I, to this day, plan to spend my retirement purchasing a rowboat and searching for pirate treasure.

So...Chicago does this really cool things with its Museums where they have a "free day", where admission is...you guessed it...free. Here's a tip, don't try to go to the Pirate exhibition on a free day. Much like the penguin exhibit that will ALWAYS be closed at the zoo the day I go...the Pirates exhibit was sold out.

That said, the museum is downright amazing. It is housed in the last surviving building from the World's Fair and it is enormous and awesome. See pictures for flavor (and DINOSAURS).

A real-life Dinosaur. I hope to have one of these in my library someday (seriously, I do).

Another candidate for my library.

A trip to Egypt.

A wall of ducks! I love ducks!

This penguin exhibit never closes. Because they are dead.

Your author "hanging" at some sort of replica Tahitian market stand.A Tahitian market...indoors!

Proof that Egyptians used Alien technology. Not sure how the curators missed this.

A shot from the interior of a section of my to-be-built library