The post in which I recycle content...

So...since I've been a little "dry" on content recently, I decided to dig through my archives (Yahoo spam filter) to find content to steal from myself. As such, I discovered this piece from my on and off stint writing for game and tech magazines. It is worth noting that my specialty consisted of shoddily "researched" articles with little or no actual literary value. As such, please enjoy:

The Problems with Online Gaming
An Opinion Piece by Adam (Some Last Name)
Originally Published in PC Game World, Circa 2003

The future is online, or at least that’s what the guy at (Ed: Unfunny Joke Deleted). The problem is, and I’m trying to be kind about this, I deeply and truly despise online gaming from the very darkest, charred corners of my black, black soul. Today, lucky reader, I present you with my three arguments as to why multiplayer gaming should be abolished and why we should all return to the world of single player fun. Next week, if you are lucky, I’ll make the same case for my social life…

Online Problem 1 or “When I was a kid we had to walk uphill in the snow to get to school, all the while fending off attacks from slimy, now-extinct predators looking to snatch our women-folk.”

When I was a kid, multiplayer meant waiting until your friend either passed away or was shipped off with the army so he’d finally take his hands off the darned joystick. We would sit and longingly dream of the days when we could play games simultaneously with two, gasp, even three people. Imagine a world, we thought, where we could pit our skills against people not just in the same room, but perhaps as far away as the house next door! I have been told that the world has progressed to the point, using some sort of an ‘internet’, that these far fetched dreams are now possible. I have learned something from my experience with this ‘internet’, something many of us have come to realize, I suck at video games. It’s not through lack of effort, of course. I spent hundreds of hours training at arcades in my youth. I can think of at least one potentially meaningful relationship destroyed by that dashingly handsome Mario. I can’t tell you the names of a single person in my college fraternity, but I can remember each ones distinctly dirty Goldeneye screen name and their preferred weapon-location combination. I can now officially say that this time was wasted. No matter how hard I try I cannot, I repeat cannot, take two steps in a level of Counterstrike without dying, I will need a very good therapist just to help me deal with all my repressed memories of failure dealing with Unreal Tournament and I may be the only person whose online Sim went ahead and committed suicide while I was away. I am so utterly incompetent at online games that I now look for “ONLY FOR ONE PLAYER” as an important feature on the back of boxes. I’m too scared to even download patches and updates, because I just know some ten year old kid is going to pop up around the corner and make fun of my connection speed.
If you managed to slog through the above paragraph I’m going to reward you with the meaning of it all. If I, your heroic writer, as a lifelong game player still in the lucrative target demographic can’t enjoy online games, how are the casual players and new recruits ever going to derive enjoyment from the experience when twenty-hour-a-day snipers are waiting on every sever just to make the uninitiated cry?


Online Problem 2 or “Why having to choose between Sprint and MCI forced me to choose never to talk to another human being as long as I live.”

Multiplayer online gaming is all about freedom. In theory, I think the freedom available in modern games is amazing and altogether awesome. In practice, however, it turns out that the more choices you give me in a game the more likely I’m going to choose to get in my car and do something else. The real world gives me an infinite variety of choices, so many in fact that I usually end up cowering in a corner crying like a child. I can barely decide what sort of undergarments, if any, to put on in the morning, so how am I supposed to choose whether I want to kill the fairy princess, befriend her and ask her to conjure me a potion or simply start making out with her? I have enough problems finding the point in what I do for work without having to find the point in a game I’m supposed to be enjoying. Video games, even linear ones, ask a lot out of us in terms of our time commitment. The recent crop of MMORPGs, for example, simply provide too much content and not enough direction for anyone, such as yours truly, who needs to balance his precious game-time with his more precious sweet-sweet-lady-luvin’ time.

Online Problem 3 or “Why I miss the day patches were for sailors and guys on shirt packages.”

How many of you remember the world of computer games before Windows 95? A world where we all spent more time trying to cram our device drivers, video drivers and game executable into 640k than we did actually playing any sort of game. Luckily for single player gamers, that world is long gone. Multiplayer gamers, however, are just now entering a whole new world of hurt. As I write this I’m downloading my seventh required update for Battlefield 1942 yet I still refuse to believe the game consists of anything more than a title screen. The title screen is nice, I admit, but is it worth the $39.99 I paid for it? I, of course, say it is, but I have a feeling the rest of the world might disagree. I spent a summer working for Cisco systems, the good people who pretty much invented all forms of communication ever used on this planet, yet I still can’t tell you why my Cable modem is blocked by a firewall, why my router simply won’t talk to any of my devices (insert innuendo here) or what in God’s name a “ping” is and why this “ping” allows other players to kill me six times then enjoy a pleasant dinner in the same time it takes me to press the forward key! I’ll give you a second to catch your breath, since I’m sure you are enjoying this article so much that you’ve decided to invite your neighbors over and read it aloud to them. The point, you ask? Configuring network games is still a pain. Longhorn promises, and Xbox Live has shown, the potential to remove these problems, so there is hope yet. I just pray that Microsoft will be kind enough to send someone to my house to explain what this “ping” is and hopefully how I can get rid of it, if that is indeed something someone would wish to do with a “ping.”